First of all, fuck Wisconsin. Snow in the middle of April is something that shouldn't happen. Should never happen. Just happened a couple days ago. As if my days couldn't have gotten any more depressing. It's almost gone by now, but the fact remains. Snow.
Naturally, Jill hasn't talked to me since that last conversation. Nobody else really has either, actually. I suppose I can't blame them -- I haven't been the most sociable myself. I haven't been sleeping lately -- no dreams, just can't sleep. It's been making me irritable, and people don't want to talk to me quite as much. Usually people love to talk to me. I haven't had a decent conversation all week...
The worst part about it all is my parents. You know how friends will ask you what's wrong when they sense something amiss, and they want to seem concerned, but you know they're only doing it for pity's sake? My parents have been doing this to me in-fucking-cessantly. "What's wrong, Jon? Oh, you seem down, what's wrong? What's the matter? Aren't your friends talking to you? Haven't you been sleeping right? Why won't you finish your dinner? Have you been keeping up on your homework?" I love my parents, but shut the fuck up. Please. I only worry I'll lash out at them somehow and make the whole thing worse.
There's this prevailing sense of dread every time I go outside. On my way in from school today, I swear to God I felt someone behind me. There was nothing, of course.. nothing... but you can't just ignore feelings, can you? Especially given the circumstances. I can't even look out the window at night anymore for fear of seeing what I don't want to see, what can't be unseen... and the whole thing is weighing down on me like my own personal cross. Loneliness. Isolation. Jesus carried his with only the strength of his own body and will, and perhaps the grace of God. It seems I'm doing the same, but do I have His blessing? Maybe it doesn't have to be alone. Maybe... I'll try talking to Jason. Maybe he's my only shot.
Regardless, I'm going to Iverson soon. I don't know if I'll find anything there, but I'm not going to sit and let this happen anymore. I refuse to let myself be driven mad through my own idleness. I need to feel like I'm accomplishing something, otherwise what's the point of it all? Without that small comfort, I'd might as well just end myself.